casual goodbyes.

I haven't had a summer romance in, what seems like, years. I have always confessed to being a pathetically hopeless romantic - and the depth of my belief in cheesy, irrevocable love is unending. At 26, I have probably felt real love once in my life. Just once. But I have had countless brushes with butterflies; butterflies being the precursor to love. Butterflies being, in my opinion, the best part of love. I am an addict for that feeling. I am shamelessly hooked on the body rush that accompanies the heart's lust for another beating body. However, in my brief and very limited experience, I have learned that no encounter will ever match your first "high". The subsequent, and fruitless, flirtation with butterfly wings will never amount to much more than exactly that: lust.

I can't explain how it feels, or how it makes ME feel. I would have to slip out of the trench coat of my skin and offer it to you, in order for you to understand how love, for me, feels. There aren't enough adjectives in the English language to describe how my heart quickens, and stubbornly lodges itself in my throat - how that feels. It is maddening. Unpredictable, uncontrollable, and addicting. The mere mention of love's name, his name, sends a circuit of firecrackers over my skin; bottle rockets erupt in succession, and blanket the circumference of my body in tremors, and instability. It is incredible. It is more than loving someone for their qualities, or fine personality quirks. It is loving someone because of the way they make you feel. Not just happiness, or contentment, or even joy - the way they make you feel inside of your body. Inside of your skin. That feeling is the heart of what makes my heart turn somersaults beneath my ribcage. It is the rhyme behind love's lack of reason, and its presence in my body. In my life. The absolution of knowing that I would do anything for the person, the source of my love and adoration. The certainty I feel in his presence, and the unyielding desire to secure and ensure his happiness. That feeling is the source of my addiction, and damn does it hurt once it escapes.

The heart wants what the heart wants; logic has no dog in love's quarrels. Only in the wake of destruction does logic surface, and smirk. Hind sight is 20/20 - cliche, irritating, and true. I am still grappling with the I-told-you-so's; my own stubbornness is relentless and causes more internal chaos than necessary.  How do you free yourself from that? That feeling of uncontrollable possession that masks itself as love. It is sobering to witness one's own coveted cache of physical, and spiritual emotion, unravel one tear at a time. Detox is so painful. So painful, that it seems easier to attempt repair than to endure the hemorrhage of heart's defeat. I am guilty. I have dug out my hard hat and charged into the operating room; I have sewn, and bandaged, and pleaded, and promised things I didn't even have. All for fear of losing that fleeting, and unmatched desire for another human being. All for that high. If I could bottle my addiction into a mason jar, I would. I would do so, only to open the lid before a hurricane and mimic the paralyzing rush that had once consumed me in love's presence. How is that for hopeless?

I suppose it would be one thing if love's rush to the exit were self-inflicted - it would be easier to wean from its intoxication. But it isn't self-inflicted. It is surprising and disappointing and confusing when love is ushered away by the object itself: by the lover himself. His sudden absence from your life begs questions and stirs emotion that would have otherwise stayed dormant. For me, the loss of that power has never made sense. If the energy of love isn't between you and that person anymore, where has it gone?

I wish I could control how I felt. I wish I could stabilize the fluttering of my heart - at least that is what I tell myself. If I could dictate the language of my lust, and of my love, would I coax myself into loving a little less? Or prevent myself from loving at all? The fear of never feeling that first high again is terrifying; the fear I have of letting go is crippling, and obviously irrational. But it is there. It cowers in the corner of my subconscious and gloats in private - but I still feel it. It is taxing, it is exhausting, and it fills a space that I didn't even know was empty. It is funny how quickly a storm can change direction. Though, I am not laughing.

Summer romance? Maybe. For now, I will just chase butterflies.

Fitness: Day Three

Every single day, I eat the same five things. Surprisingly, I am not bored yet. But this is only day three. And, tomorrow is cheat day.....!!!!

I have noticed that my energy levels are a little low. I am learning this is from lack of protein. With the level of activity I have been inflicting on myself in the studio and in the gym, my body needs a lot more protein then I have been giving it. Otherwise, I just get sleepy.







Afterthought: I allowed myself four delicious glasses of Pinot Noir, as I didn't take advantage of the two glass allotment on Thursday. I worked my rear into a sweat at the gym Friday morning, so I rewarded my hard work and indulged, just a little ;)

Fitness Journal: Thursday, August 2nd.

Holy glutes and hamstrings. My lower extremities are definitely standing at attention. I signed up with my trainer (again) and spent about 45 minutes on the stair master this afternoon. I am every salesman's dream: you're selling fancy air? I'll buy! Overpriced water? Sold! Consumerism at its finest ;) I was happy to learn that my body fat percentage has not risen, and is still in the healthy range (27%). I would like to drop it to 23-24%, which would be right on par with the 6-8 pounds I wish to eliminate from my rump.

In addition to my quick stint in the gym, I made a presence at Ballet Austin's pm Hip Hop class. I haven't seen the inside of a studio in awhile, and I forgot how awesome dance makes me feel. I also forgot about the bruises and blisters my poor little pads incur after an advanced Jazz class (Wednesday night). I have vowed to attend four dance classes a week - not necessarily for the awesome cardio workout, but for my supreme mental health. Dance is where I have always gone to recharge, and work through my stress. Oddly...breakups and work chaos have always sent me pirouetting into the studio. Why "talk" about feelings when you can just sweat them out? I digress..

Below, my super boring caloric intake. I am going to need to up my protein, I am not getting nearly enough to balance my physical activity. I picked up some Muscle Milk lite (I hope it doesn't taste like dirt) in an attempt to keep my muscles nourished. Fingers crossed....!!






Side note: I tried my hand with homemade refried beans, as I have learned that beans are a good source of protein. Let me tell you, they were delicious. Quick, easy, and great for a snack. One can of pinto beans, dash of garlic (freshly minced), salt&pepper with a pinch a cayenne pepper and chopped red onions. YUM!

A man. Not a boy who thinks he can.

My recent stints with dating have brought me an abundance of knowledge. From this experience, I have learned a handful of lessons, and a few deal-breakers, that I will absolutely implement on future relationships. It has never ceased to amaze me how quickly love can breed hate. I once wrote, "the loss of love is so strange to me. Picking people from your life is such a horrible outcome of the heart's defeat." I suppose it is much easier to be mad, than it is to feel the weakness and vulnerability of hurt. I don't know if it is betrayal, in all of its colorful forms (not just cheating, or lying, but the betrayal of character) or just the loss of love all together. Or lust. Or maybe love was never present to begin with. Who knows, I certainly don't. What I do know, is no amount of love can discount incompatible quirks and character flaws.



Here is my want AD for Dream Man:

*First and foremost, before anything else, any man I select to share my company with MUST get along with Gabel. There are absolutely no exceptions. Oh, and Berkley too.
*I like a smart, funny man. If he can't hold his end of a conversation, we probably won't have a whole lot to talk about.
*Please make me laugh. It isn't hard. I giggle at everything. I just ask that dream man has some sense of humor.
*I need a partner with ambition; I need someone that is continually trying to be his best self in addition to furthering his career/hobby/passion at every opportunity. I would like to take over the writing world, and it would be awesome to find someone with a similar drive.
*I need support. I can offer relentless love, support, and encouragement and I need a counterpart that can reciprocate. I think that lovers should feed and grow from one another, and that is easily done through mutual respect and of course, support.
*Getting along with my friends is crucial. I have an awesome group of people I love, and care about, and their opinion carries a lot of weight with me.
*It would be nice to find someone that can handle logistics. I am a creative; I'm an idea girl and I often float away into the clouds. I need someone to grab me by the shoestring and keep me grounded, when necessary.
*I need someone that isn't intimidated by a successful woman. I need someone that isn't threatened by any success I may have; maybe he should use my success as a platform to push him toward his own goals. A little competition is harmless ;) 
*I think that separate togetherness is an important part of any relationship. I want a guy that takes time out to spend with his dudes. Likewise, I love traveling to see my girlfriends. Insecurity and mistrust have no wiggle room here.
*Quirks are a plus. I am an oddball; I am somewhat bizarre and completely erratic. I like someone that can jive with my ADHD ;)
*KIA's (also referred to as: Know It All's) are a very intolerable pet peeve of mine. If I am wrong about something, please correct me. I take criticism very well (at least I think so). What I don't care for, is a person's inability to accept their own misgivings. It is just plain rude.
*On that note, I also won't tolerate a man that refuses to take responsibility for his actions. If you hurt my feelings, just apologize and try not to do it again. Don't throw nonsense in my face simply because I express a concern. That is so childish, and mean.
*Apples are apples. Don't create a mountain out of a mole hill. IE don't turn a small disagreement into an outlandish World War Three power struggle. It is normal to fight, say "fuck you", find a solution, and move on. Right?
*I will probably need a fellow pet lover. I have big plans to build a dog farm, and I am always trying to bring home a new rescue. It would be best if my spouse also had an affinity for the furry children :)
*My dream man must also like the outdoors.
*Dream man: please come find me in five years. I will likely still be in Austin. Look me up ;)



As I read over this "list", I am convinced that I - like many other women - have just described the mythical man-unicorn. Does this exist? I sure as hell hope so!



The older I get (and I suppose 26 is not THAT old), the more unyielding to change I become. I am not completely set in my ways, but I don't have a whole lot of patience for the undesirable tendencies of others. I think I have been burned a few times, and as a result I lost a lot of my "give-a-damn". I said once that, "relationships are NOT 'about' compromise. Compromise is only one component that makes a relationship work. Relationships are about mutual respect and an unshakable desire to not only be with someone, but to be a part of them." I stand by that. 

Get Fit: Revisited.

For those of you that follow this often neglected cubbie of the Internet (there are approximately 5 of you; one my mother, one my best friend, and I assume the other three to be terrorists) I am back again to update you on my misadventures with the evil that is "dieting". As you may recall, two months ago I embarked on a journey to shed a few ell bees by simply eating better and exercising more regularly. Like a politician, I made empty promises of updated musings and commentary from my journey. This lasted one day. (Big surprise). Now, while there is absolutely no excuse for such an extended absence, I do credit my busy lifestyle and exploding career for my tumble off the get-fit-lindsay train. But now I am back (yo-yo dieting....?) and I am going to make a solid effort to keep my promise. I promise.

I recently had a friend introduce me to two pieces of literature: The 4-Hour Body, and The Primal Blueprint. He has been following the "slow-carb" regime detailed in both books for roughly two months now - and he looks amazing! Literally, I have never seen him so fit in my life. He isn't a gym rat, or hardcore workout enthusiast - he is just a dude that wanted to get into better shape. And he did. And now I am inspired (again). (You can check out the details of this eating "lifestyle" at fourhourbody.com ) Surprisingly, in my two month sabbatical, I haven't put on any extra weight. I am a regular runner, and I don't have a crazy appetite for sweets or gluttonous foods. I do have an affinity for wine and Irish beer, and coffee (with cream) is probably my one, daily vice.

I started loosely following this lifestyle on Monday. While I will admit, it isn't the most glamorous selection of food, there are various ways to have fun with your veggies and proteins. At a glance, it somewhat resembles Atkins. But don't be fooled. Atkins (in my most humble opinion) is a horrible approach to weight loss. I have my own complaints with that particular system, but I will not bore you with mindless drivel and/or my opinions.

My favorite part of the Slow Carb so far? Cheat day :) One day a week that I can indulge in the yummy snacks that put the ghetto in my booty. I have chosen Saturday as my eat-whatever day because I like to take Gabel to brunch and sip mimosas before noon. I have had a few cravings, but I found that the best solution to that is to start a list in preparation for Saturday. So far on my list I have: Delish Cupcake. Champagne. Gummy bears.
Not bad :)

I do want to mention, that I am by NO means an expert on the Slow Carb. I am simply using it as a catalyst to shed a few pounds. I highly recommend you read up on the diet yourself, to see if it is something that may work for you. Below I have added a few screen shots from yesterday's overall caloric intake. I have developed a new addiction to egg whites and asparagus - the combination is delicious and full of nutrients your body needs.






For exercise, I took a one hour Jazz class at Ballet Austin. (Let me tell you, my thighs nearly forgot how much muscle goes into turn sequences. They were screaming at me) According to my super-fun fitness app, that class burned about 400 calories. Which doesn't seem accurate, as I was sweating my ass off for the entire hour. (This is why I love dance ;) ) But, I will take FatSecret's word for it.

Until tomorrow...