misguided girl, you'll be the heroin of my book

I awoke to this thought: How many times does a person let you down before you give up the ghost? (It doesn't take a psych degree to decipher my rambling) the ghost is, is what? Its hanging on to imaginary hope - the person in question was designed to disappoint. His (or her) brief moments of half hearted sincerity and kindness are nothing more than character flaws. They're the traits that rarely surface, as the arrogance and apathy are so prominent. So why is he(she) so desirable? Why is this apple so sought after? One could argue that the good hidden beneath the armor or arrogance is worth the work, or that the fun shared is unlike any other fun to be had with any other person. But truly, that is all bullshit. It is nonsense, not to mention, very dumb and naïve to believe that this inexcusable behavior can be tolerated, or even deserved! It is foolish to think that true, lasting love can flourish from such a toxic foundation. Its like building a nursery next to a nuclear power plant. Over time, radiation will deform and eventually, kill. Continued disappointment is a slow killing poison, it cripples and leaves you questioning your own intentions and morale. Over time, exposure to such a person, such an unattainable and desired person, will ripe your heart out and leave your chest cavity to fill up with meaningless one night stands and relationships that lead to nowhere. Regardless of your own kindness, patience, and willingness to love - despite your attempts to pull a prince from a toad - his form remains. It was never you, but always him. Its a wicked right of passage that presents itself at the most inopportune times. I suppose to really understand love, and appreciate its valor, one has to overcome the obstacle of the "completely wrong guy(or girl)". He is the one that tests your loyalty (even though he is not worthy of such trust), your commitment, and your ability to forgive (a thousand times too many). Battling his shitty selfish attitude builds patience and boundary - you learn what you will, and certainly will not, put up with. And after this battle of the sexes, human decency and kindness become the most important traits sought after in a partner. You don't need, or deserve, a lover that has trademarked disappointment; you don't love someone that doesn't return the favor.

So beyond this epiphany - what comes next? Realization can be tough; it isn't easy pulling your heart back together and letting go of a lover. Rejection of the heart is brutal, and almost always results in anger. The wrong guy is like heroin; he is catastrophic and highly addictive. You peddle away your savings (ignore friends, family, and instinct) just to feel some kind of cliched rush. The whole thing is just awful, predictable, but necessary. Because at some point, you'll wake up and see the bigger picture. You will be out trapsing around in the new found independence - you deleted his name from your cell and his face from your memory (as well as cleared your iPod and the photos from facebook) - and its when you're not looking for love that your previous suffering makes sense. Because you'll find some new love interest, that makes you laugh in that nervous sort of way. And his willingness to love will blindside you. According to him(or her), you're incredible. You forget whats-his-face and the bullshit attempt at love. (Thank God) The flirtation probably won't last, but it teaches one thing: you deserve, and can have, better.