signs her letters in x's and o's

When I grow up, I want to do grown up things. I want a grown up job in a big, working in a grown up building. I want to talk about politics, international trade and global warming. I want to become educated on stock options and 401k investments. All the while, I will run the city in my Manolos laughing with all of my grown up friends. I feel like 16 was only yesterday, and yet here I am. 23 years old and still wondering, "am I an adult yet?"

I have been thinking a lot about responsibility, and the so-called "perks" of being an adult. According to my age, I should know a thing or two about managing my life in the up scaled, grown-up way. In reality? I don't know a damn thing. I fake maturity nearly every day; I work, I bank, and I enjoy cosmos at happy hour. I even have a weekly date with the dry cleaners - but beyond the bullshit, I am still just a girl playing dress up. I have accepted the fact that I am a poor decision maker (Because I HATE making decisions, and I have a hard time making commitments. Ick.) and as a result of this I find myself pressed to juggle the boring, yet fundamental and essential, aspects of life. (IE appointment planning, meeting deadlines, and organizing all of the above.) I often find myself facing ridiculous and completely STUPID problems. I asked a girlfriend recently if she though that other "adults" our age face similar problems. Her response? Probably not. Which got my mind rolling in another direction - do we create our own drama/anxiety/bullshit? ABSOLUTELY! Pardon the cliche, but shit rolls downhill and you can't run forever. At some point you have to stop and breathe and it is at that exact moment that the mound of avoided responsibility will seize you by the throat and drown you in consequences. My mother would call these spectacular displays of life "lessons in humility" - which I think is just a smug way of saying, "I told you so". Apparently the first rule of entering adulthood is learning how to prioritize responsibility. Funny, at what step do I learn the responsibility? I find the curriculum to be very exhausting.

I am still just a nerdy girl with glasses, standing on my tiptoes at the adult table. I giggle at everything and ask too many questions. I still use lip smackers chapstick and wear band t-shirts to bed. I throw temper tantrums when I don't get my way and I still think that underneath every layer of arrogance and selfishness lies a decent human being: I have faith in people. My view of the surrounding world is altered - like I am looking through a kaleidoscope. My reality is bombarded and sugar coated with my own wants, dreams, and perceptions. (Through my eyes, the world runs on high-fives and cherry coke.) Too bad I am not 13 anymore.