Just A Small Town Girl

I have been shuffling through the memory box lately - organizing each former piece of my life and tucking them away into the past. I have come across several journals, as you have obviously been reading, that have brought the past back into my life. Many entries are simply the rants of an angry ex girlfriend and some are the tearful confessions of a broken heart - but each of them has brought my growth from that point, full circle. I have grown so much in the past few years - I am discovering a whole new woman hiding beneath the skin of a girl. I still run around playing dress up, and stand on my tip toes in the adult world - but I am no longer sitting at the children's table. I am making my mark and learning the comfort of my skin.

I found the following from may of 2007. It was after my transition of small town girl to Phoenix fashionista ;] - I have definitely changed.

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I used to love lazy Sundays: sleeping in, a mid day coffee run, an afternoon in the park - or even just a drive through the country. Oh how I miss Walla Walla.

Well, all of that is gone. my coffee run forced me out of my mother's estate and onto a six lane "road" - which by Walla Walla standards would be considered an over sized freeway. Once there, I was shoulder to shoulder with about 30 other people - screaming on cell phones, thumbing away on palm pilots, and monitoring the stock exchange - all demanding their triple non fat no-whip no-flavor extra hot latte. When did life become so complex? There I stood, in a boho skirt, flipflops and over sized sunglasses - and I felt about two feet tall. In a city where most are worth millions, how can a country girl squeeze her way in? Not even my years spend in San Diego could have prepared my for this culture shock. Though the weather is absolutely gorgeous, and my mother's estate closely resembles something out of Sunset Magazine - the intimidation of the roads, the traffic, even the grocery store is more than enough to outweigh all of the above. I miss Walla Walla.

In this life, I have learned that there are two types of people: those that FIGHT and those that choose FLIGHT. (Please forgive me, this does sound cliche) I have fought my whole life for what I believe in and what I thought I deserved. I don't go down easily and I'm stubborn as hell. All of that has changed, however, and I now find myself a little less zealous and enthusiastic - I have become ambivalent and probably a little lazy. I pick and choose my battles, which in many ways is a good quality to possess simply because it avoids drama and saves me energy. So now I choose flight as what I believe to be a healthy defense alternative. Who else do you know that can pick up their entire life and in one day move 1300 miles away? Personally, I don't know many. So you can add "impulsive" to my list of character qualities.

This city amazes me; it is big, hungry, and ready to eat anyone alive that can't adapt quickly to its fast pace environment. I'm not going to sugar coat my fear of being swallowed alive, nor am I going to say that I have confidence in my survival - because neither are true. I do, however, know this: change is nessecary. Sometimes in life, in every life, you're moving along on cruise control and you hit a wall. At this point, you have two options. Sometimes one may outweigh the other in benefits, but this is very rare. Typically we are forced to make a decision that is irrational and against our beliefs. I had come to this stop light. I felt like the entire world was happening all around me; I was standing still, not moving, thinking or even breathing directly in the center of all of this commotion. I was hungry for something new, and then life threw me a 60mph curveball that hit right between the eyes and I made a choice: I chose flight.

I don't know where I'm headed next, I don't even know what I'm doing tomorrow. But I do know this: life is full of surprises, some good and some bad. Every day we are faced with new choices, challenges, and adventures. Why should we wait for something to just happen to us? Grab life by the horns, ride the bull, and if you fall off then just stand up, brush yourself off, and get back on the son of a bitch.