misguided girl, you'll be the heroin of my book

I awoke to this thought: How many times does a person let you down before you give up the ghost? (It doesn't take a psych degree to decipher my rambling) the ghost is, is what? Its hanging on to imaginary hope - the person in question was designed to disappoint. His (or her) brief moments of half hearted sincerity and kindness are nothing more than character flaws. They're the traits that rarely surface, as the arrogance and apathy are so prominent. So why is he(she) so desirable? Why is this apple so sought after? One could argue that the good hidden beneath the armor or arrogance is worth the work, or that the fun shared is unlike any other fun to be had with any other person. But truly, that is all bullshit. It is nonsense, not to mention, very dumb and naïve to believe that this inexcusable behavior can be tolerated, or even deserved! It is foolish to think that true, lasting love can flourish from such a toxic foundation. Its like building a nursery next to a nuclear power plant. Over time, radiation will deform and eventually, kill. Continued disappointment is a slow killing poison, it cripples and leaves you questioning your own intentions and morale. Over time, exposure to such a person, such an unattainable and desired person, will ripe your heart out and leave your chest cavity to fill up with meaningless one night stands and relationships that lead to nowhere. Regardless of your own kindness, patience, and willingness to love - despite your attempts to pull a prince from a toad - his form remains. It was never you, but always him. Its a wicked right of passage that presents itself at the most inopportune times. I suppose to really understand love, and appreciate its valor, one has to overcome the obstacle of the "completely wrong guy(or girl)". He is the one that tests your loyalty (even though he is not worthy of such trust), your commitment, and your ability to forgive (a thousand times too many). Battling his shitty selfish attitude builds patience and boundary - you learn what you will, and certainly will not, put up with. And after this battle of the sexes, human decency and kindness become the most important traits sought after in a partner. You don't need, or deserve, a lover that has trademarked disappointment; you don't love someone that doesn't return the favor.

So beyond this epiphany - what comes next? Realization can be tough; it isn't easy pulling your heart back together and letting go of a lover. Rejection of the heart is brutal, and almost always results in anger. The wrong guy is like heroin; he is catastrophic and highly addictive. You peddle away your savings (ignore friends, family, and instinct) just to feel some kind of cliched rush. The whole thing is just awful, predictable, but necessary. Because at some point, you'll wake up and see the bigger picture. You will be out trapsing around in the new found independence - you deleted his name from your cell and his face from your memory (as well as cleared your iPod and the photos from facebook) - and its when you're not looking for love that your previous suffering makes sense. Because you'll find some new love interest, that makes you laugh in that nervous sort of way. And his willingness to love will blindside you. According to him(or her), you're incredible. You forget whats-his-face and the bullshit attempt at love. (Thank God) The flirtation probably won't last, but it teaches one thing: you deserve, and can have, better.

The Breakup.

I watched The Breakup last night - I love Jennifer Aniston and I have a secret, school girl crush on Vince Vaughn. It is a great movie and easy to relate to - most breakups generally follow the same script. At any rate, below is a scene from the end of the film. It's kind of perfect, for me at least. Enjoy.

Johnny O: You know what? It's her fault she got hurt. You shouldn't even feel bad about it. She should have expected it from you. You're a fun guy, okay? Everybody likes you. You're the quickest guy I know. Anytime we go out, I have a blast. Alright? But, everybody who knows you knows you're gonna do what you want to do. And if it's not what the other person wants to do, well, that's their problem.

Gary: That's bullshit.

Johnny O: It's not bullshit.

Gary: There's plenty of times I do shit that I don't want to do. That's ridiculous. No.

Johnny O: Like when?

Gary: That's bullshit to say about me.

Johnny O: When have we ever done something you didn't want to do?

Gary: You know, I don't know, off the top of my head. I don't keep score...

Johnny O: When's the last time we went to a Sox game? The Sox. Not when they're playing the Cubs, either. We always do what you want to do and she always did what you wanted to do. It's who you are. Everybody thinks that you're their friend, okay? But the fact of the matter is that there's not one person that I know that you trust enough to let close enough that they could hurt you. And her big problem is that you really liked her. I mean, she is the one girl you really liked. And no matter what she did and how hard she tried, you were never gonna let your guard down. That poor girl never stood a chance.

December 20th, 2009

"And if you promised you'd love so completely And you said you would always be true You swore that you never would leave me, baby What ever happened to you And you thought it was only in movies As you wish all your dreams would come true, hey It ain't the first time believe me, baby I'm standin' here feeling blue, blue Ha, yeah, I'm blue, hoh, baby" -led zeppelin, fool in the rain

These are a few of my favorite things.

I love the holidays. Me, and the other 85% of the American population. I love bundling up in pea coats and day tripping through the city - armed with slouchy boots and winter scarves (a white glittered fringe being my current favorite). I love any excuse to sport knitted caps and gloves - as I firmly believe that gloves, specifically evening, are going to make a comeback - and winter is the only time accessorizing with a Starbucks cup should ever be allowed. (Eat your heart out Britney Spears) I love dressing in glitz and making appearances at cozy holiday gatherings. I especially love the craziness; the hoopla and scurrying to find appropriate gifts. I can spend hours at target selecting wrapping paper with matching name tags and bows and even more time arranging table settings and centerpieces. I have inherited the domestic gene from my mother; there isn't a single cocktail party I can't pull off. There is no amount of baking, or cooking, or combination of the two that I can't master and deliver in stilettos and a smile. (And, of course, a fabulously tailored apron) The holiday season has been carefully marketed for the people (of course, who else?). Bring the people together; convince the people to spend money on friends and loved ones - but ultimitely, bring them together.

This year, I wanted to exploit my hosting skills. I wanted to wine and dine and enjoy the company of those close to me. I wanted to spend this season in the arms of my lover building our foundation for the coming year (this is beginning to read like a Nora Roberts novel...sorry). I was excited to spend my time with a man I actually felt something for. I wanted dinner parties, movies by the fire and kisses under the mistle toe. I wanted to walk the city, hand in hand, admiring christmas lights and partaking in all things cheesy and cliche and Christmas. I wanted Frank Sinatra's best and Christmas morning pancakes and champagne in bed. I love this time of year, I love being IN love during this season of merriment. However, my recent breakup has left me feeling betrayed, devastated, and all other emotions resembling anger/hurt/what have you. I am bitter, and whining. So now I wonder, if you can't make a relationship work under the magic of the holiday season, should you abandon hope completely? If Christmas can't bring two people together, what else is there? 'Tis the season of forgiveness and love and all things beautiful. It's magic. Ask any 5 year old and prepare to be enchanted with their eagerness and ability to believe in everything they cannot see. Santa Clause, case and point. If Christmas is about being together, why is it December 19th and I feel completely alone?

I see these couples in department stores, they are embracing the hostility of last minute shopping and the company of each other. Their "togetherness" is intoxifying, and I am envious. Not because I find myself - once again - single, but because they survived. They made it through whatever bullshit happened in 2009, and they made it together. I can't explain the feeling of defeat that suffocates me; I know what I am capable of enduring, what I can fix and what I can live with. But now I know what I can't live without (please don't place me in the desperate woman category, just hear me out). I fell in love this year, and I am now convinced it was the only time I ever actually WAS in love. I fell for a man that was completely wrong for me; however, I am a stubborn gal and refused defeat. I put a lot of weight on this holiday season, because I was excited to share the magic with HIM and because I was sure that same magic would rekindle what had already begun to disappear. Unfortunately for me, neither rang true. So I will ask again, if you can't make love happen under the haze of Christmas magic, what happens next? 2010, cheers to starting over.

I have just received the most devastating news of the decade. This just in: Escada Magnetism is DISCONTINUED!! This is awful news. This is the end of an era, this is an absolute OUTRAGE! I have been a happy supporter of the fragrance for 6 years - yes count them - 6 years! I feel so angry and betrayed - how can such a brand throw my heart into the wind? I feel as if I found my lover in bed with another woman - I am furious! (And slightly over dramatic) I bleed, sweat, and cry that scent. The heavy, pungent fragrance has become my signature. What am I to do now? - Aside from piss and moan about how ludicrous this entire issue has become. You can rest assured that I will be writing a very angry letter. Until then..

Someone like me.

I am feeling nostalgic today. I feel the need for reflection - I am blue. Melancholy. (And the infinite sadness) Whatever. This entry is simply me whining about things I can't change. Enjoy?

"There are certain people you love who do something else; they define how you classify what love is supposed to feel like. These are the most important people in your life, and you’ll meet maybe four or five of these people over the span of 80 years. But there’s still one more tier to all this; there is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of these loveable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they’re often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really, want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone." -Chuck Klosterman, Killing Yourself to Live

Someone dear to me recommended the above book to me, and it is one of the best pieces of literature I have come across thus far. The writing is real (mostly) and the author, Chuck Klosterman, speaks as if he is sitting across from you at some dive bar. Bud Light in hand, teetering the line between semi-coherent thought and blacking out completely. Bottom line - it is a great read.

The above quotation is perfect, and relevant to men and women everywhere - which solidifies its momentous value. I have read and re-read the excerpt and each time I can't help but ask, "what about the other person - the person on the other end?" Her. Maybe she hasn't experienced that significant love. For her, the current love is creator of her heart. Is she forever fated to stand in the shadow of the "defining" woman before her? It's like finding this season's Manolos in a size 8 - and you're a 6. So you buy the damn shoes anyway thinking, "I can make this work." But you can't. So I ask, what about HER? She fell in love and landed on her face; she lost her logic and became totally enamored with an obviously unavailable man. Timing is a wicked trick of fate; it determines the outcome long before you start the game.

So, a guy falls in love and ends up with a broken heart. He loved some girl that made him feel important; she made him feel confident. She has more charisma than his previous girlfriend and she captivated him. He loved her because she was different; she was fun and encouraged him to break his own boundaries. I get it. It makes sense. But every woman after is bound to comparison? Every female - even the good ones - are never capable of filling his void? I have a hard time buying that. So now I have to ask, is it only frustrating chasing shadows when you know that they exist? What if you didn't know about the woman on a pedestal before you - would there be no feeling of inadequacy? If you didn't know that your character was being evaluated - that is was made into a list of pros and cons - could you trick yourself into believing that you were the "defining" woman? Its possible. But curiosity is the ultimate killer of both good and evil; Pandora's box is just too tempting to ignore. I have been there. Twice actually and both experiences were, or have been, absolutely horrible. I don't want to be the next girl, I want to be THE girl and Chuck Klosterman is a bastard for spitting the truth in my face. I hate authors that bottle truth in pint size doses and force feed their readers with eloquent language and witty banter. He is a bastard because he is right.

The epic woman is the control factor in this senseless battle we label "love". Love is a daily measure of checks and balances - comparing notes and doodling in the margins of experience - we fine tune our senses and learn the qualities that are ultimately compatible with our own character. The trick to escaping the labyrinth is this: don't be the next person. Don't allow yourself to become the person AFTER the "defining" love. You will spend the rest of your life chasing shadows; a 6 will never be an 8.

I was a smart girl, until I fell in love. (quoted from Sex and the City)