even lovers need a holiday.

"The power in a relationship lies with the person that cares the least."

I seem to only know how to write about love - it has been a major topic of interest to me as of late. I am sure that I sound crazy, rambling on about nonsense - thoughts dribbling from my fingertips without censorship or any sort of fine editing. (In my defence, this blog is, and always will be, a steady stream of consciousness. You have been warned.) I am starting to believe that my obsession with the topic stems from inexperience; those that don't do, teach. Those that don't know how to love, bitch about it. I will be the first to admit that my knowledge on the topic is somewhat limited; I used to believe that I knew it all. But, I don't. I don't know a damn thing about love. The tactics, and playbook I have used to wage war with this phenomenon have proven themselves obsolete. I have made many mistakes, and misjuged many facades of character. And I haven't learned a lot, but I know this much: when you give away your heart, you are left with nothing.

I have tried to play the game. I have tried to act coy, and cool, and dismissive - but the outcome of such action does nothing more than create this pathetic cycle of dysfunction. The roles of power switches from person to person, like chess. Check, check, checkmate? When the towel is thrown in, why can't it just be OVER? No, instead we pick up the towel and whip it around like an idiot leaving welts on everyone the surrounds. Including ourselves. (I say we, and our, and us like I am talking about some secret society of cutters. When in fact, I am referring to myself and my obvious love of emotional abuse.)Of course we, I, feel shitty. It is a self created asylum! In my experience, the only real moment of sanity, and clarity, comes when you can successfully eliminate the love from your life. I often preach, "it is easier to be angry than it is to be hurt." While the world may accuse you of having a weak and unforgiving character, I think that before you can rise above - anything, especially heartbreak - you have to find happiness in yourself. And if that means deleting people and memories from you life, then so be it.

However, I have never been able to successfully delete anything from my life. I can go through the motions, and pretend to be tough - but at the end of the day, I never really forget anything. I rant, and scream, and throw insults around to anyone that will listen; and then I find myself alone and feeling guilty for behaving like a child. In my attempt to align my pawns, I fail. I am an awful chess player, and a shitty actor. "Get out of my life" is what I say, repeatedly, but "I wish you the best" is what I mean - "....with me." So I give up. And defeat is never bittersweet; it is the seed of craziness.

Whenever I rant, I never make sense.