The Breakup.

I watched The Breakup last night - I love Jennifer Aniston and I have a secret, school girl crush on Vince Vaughn. It is a great movie and easy to relate to - most breakups generally follow the same script. At any rate, below is a scene from the end of the film. It's kind of perfect, for me at least. Enjoy.

Johnny O: You know what? It's her fault she got hurt. You shouldn't even feel bad about it. She should have expected it from you. You're a fun guy, okay? Everybody likes you. You're the quickest guy I know. Anytime we go out, I have a blast. Alright? But, everybody who knows you knows you're gonna do what you want to do. And if it's not what the other person wants to do, well, that's their problem.

Gary: That's bullshit.

Johnny O: It's not bullshit.

Gary: There's plenty of times I do shit that I don't want to do. That's ridiculous. No.

Johnny O: Like when?

Gary: That's bullshit to say about me.

Johnny O: When have we ever done something you didn't want to do?

Gary: You know, I don't know, off the top of my head. I don't keep score...

Johnny O: When's the last time we went to a Sox game? The Sox. Not when they're playing the Cubs, either. We always do what you want to do and she always did what you wanted to do. It's who you are. Everybody thinks that you're their friend, okay? But the fact of the matter is that there's not one person that I know that you trust enough to let close enough that they could hurt you. And her big problem is that you really liked her. I mean, she is the one girl you really liked. And no matter what she did and how hard she tried, you were never gonna let your guard down. That poor girl never stood a chance.

December 20th, 2009

"And if you promised you'd love so completely And you said you would always be true You swore that you never would leave me, baby What ever happened to you And you thought it was only in movies As you wish all your dreams would come true, hey It ain't the first time believe me, baby I'm standin' here feeling blue, blue Ha, yeah, I'm blue, hoh, baby" -led zeppelin, fool in the rain

These are a few of my favorite things.

I love the holidays. Me, and the other 85% of the American population. I love bundling up in pea coats and day tripping through the city - armed with slouchy boots and winter scarves (a white glittered fringe being my current favorite). I love any excuse to sport knitted caps and gloves - as I firmly believe that gloves, specifically evening, are going to make a comeback - and winter is the only time accessorizing with a Starbucks cup should ever be allowed. (Eat your heart out Britney Spears) I love dressing in glitz and making appearances at cozy holiday gatherings. I especially love the craziness; the hoopla and scurrying to find appropriate gifts. I can spend hours at target selecting wrapping paper with matching name tags and bows and even more time arranging table settings and centerpieces. I have inherited the domestic gene from my mother; there isn't a single cocktail party I can't pull off. There is no amount of baking, or cooking, or combination of the two that I can't master and deliver in stilettos and a smile. (And, of course, a fabulously tailored apron) The holiday season has been carefully marketed for the people (of course, who else?). Bring the people together; convince the people to spend money on friends and loved ones - but ultimitely, bring them together.

This year, I wanted to exploit my hosting skills. I wanted to wine and dine and enjoy the company of those close to me. I wanted to spend this season in the arms of my lover building our foundation for the coming year (this is beginning to read like a Nora Roberts novel...sorry). I was excited to spend my time with a man I actually felt something for. I wanted dinner parties, movies by the fire and kisses under the mistle toe. I wanted to walk the city, hand in hand, admiring christmas lights and partaking in all things cheesy and cliche and Christmas. I wanted Frank Sinatra's best and Christmas morning pancakes and champagne in bed. I love this time of year, I love being IN love during this season of merriment. However, my recent breakup has left me feeling betrayed, devastated, and all other emotions resembling anger/hurt/what have you. I am bitter, and whining. So now I wonder, if you can't make a relationship work under the magic of the holiday season, should you abandon hope completely? If Christmas can't bring two people together, what else is there? 'Tis the season of forgiveness and love and all things beautiful. It's magic. Ask any 5 year old and prepare to be enchanted with their eagerness and ability to believe in everything they cannot see. Santa Clause, case and point. If Christmas is about being together, why is it December 19th and I feel completely alone?

I see these couples in department stores, they are embracing the hostility of last minute shopping and the company of each other. Their "togetherness" is intoxifying, and I am envious. Not because I find myself - once again - single, but because they survived. They made it through whatever bullshit happened in 2009, and they made it together. I can't explain the feeling of defeat that suffocates me; I know what I am capable of enduring, what I can fix and what I can live with. But now I know what I can't live without (please don't place me in the desperate woman category, just hear me out). I fell in love this year, and I am now convinced it was the only time I ever actually WAS in love. I fell for a man that was completely wrong for me; however, I am a stubborn gal and refused defeat. I put a lot of weight on this holiday season, because I was excited to share the magic with HIM and because I was sure that same magic would rekindle what had already begun to disappear. Unfortunately for me, neither rang true. So I will ask again, if you can't make love happen under the haze of Christmas magic, what happens next? 2010, cheers to starting over.