I left my shoes on your patio. I gathered my belongings - handbag, lipgloss and heart - and left you for the evening. The day has painted itself into the vibrancy of my mind; the fertility of my imagination has begun to twist and morph your words into mutter. I feel they have become the tourniquet of my heart as their imprint brands me, and leaves me with a day to organize their meaning. I asked you about forever, and you responded with that wordless grin that so infamously distinguishes your character. You remind me of my immaturity. My imperfections. My earnest and overwhelming devotion. I feel that I look at you with the hopeful eyes of a child - eager. Expectant. You know me well, and manipulate my heart effortlessly. Your voice hangs like velvet, caressing my ears and pumping lullabies into my soul. I believe you. I listen to you. I love you. I close my eyes, and I breathe you. Questions burn deep; they scratch at the surface of my sanity and beg for release. Her presence has pickled my mind. I clothe the subject of my insecurity in trivial conversation. Conversation that pertains to anything and nothing at all. The anvil of deceit drowns me; it strips away faith and security and leaves me naked with my imagination. I fumble words, and trip over mistaken phrases. I scramble for the poetry that has become my adoration for you. But for once, language fails me.
I left my shoes on your patio - I just needed a moment to breathe. I would have lingered on your doorstep, but this evening is inviting my current state of confusion. In solitude, I meticulously arrange the thoughts that always seem to scatter in your presence. In solitude, I allow the notion of forever to tiptoe between those thoughts and pirouette its beauty from my lips. Whispered lullabies surround me and tame the wildfires of mistrust; I believe you. I listen to you. I love you. I close my eyes, and I breathe you. In the blankness of this night I feel you. Regardless of her presence - her name tattooed in my brain - the affection for you is apparent. It screams at you from the redness of my cheeks, from the brilliance of my smile, and from the softness of my kiss. My love is so obvious, and shameless. So now I ask you about forever, and at last you concede.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Monday, June 1, 2009
'cause im free as a bird now
Today I am feeling indifferent. I started thinking about where the hell I am headed with my life - a thought that consumes an entire day and leaves me feeling even more angst and stubborn than I had originally planned. I would rather be knee deep in the waves on the California shores, or rocking out by myself to some obnoxiously loud ACDC or GnR. I would rather be screaming obscenities at the top of a roller coaster - I would rather be doing cartwheels in the sand.
Anywhere but here. So I do what I do best in these situations, I spill my jumbled nonsense into print. I have compiled a list of random things that make me happy (and some that really piss me off). I do this in an attempt assuage my apathy. If you are of the bored and unemployed - the people that really have nothing better to do than listen to the bullshit of an angry woman - please read on and find comfort in the realization that you're not the only disorganized individual residing in Phoenix Arizona - or wherever you live. Enjoy.
1. My father nicknamed my Ruby Begonia at the age of 3. I am sure he meant Scarlett Begonia, in which case makes me somewhat cool.
2. I ran into a wall at the age of 13 and broke my pinky toe. Even more hilarious, I had a cast up to my shin that I busted because I refused to stop dancing simply because some doctor ordered otherwise.
3. I am a dreamer; I have a lot of ambition and plan on slowly taking over the world. (Metaphorically speaking) I will have two Pulitzers at some point in this life and an outlandish collection of my bullshit in print - i.e ridiculous novels.
4. Writing is a huge part of my life. I have absolutely no organizational skills to apply to this talent, a defect that I am sure is holding me from my success. But I am stubborn and I continue to hack away at my dream.
5. I have problems with ignorance in people - I have been quoted saying that, "ignorance simply means that you're not smart enough to be stupid." I stand by that.
6. I fall in love with everything - everything is my favorite.
7. I come from a huge family but hardly stay in contact. This really depresses me.
8. I am ruled by my emotions; I am a very passionate person. I love and hate with everything that I have. I express my emotions openly, sometimes when unnecessary, but I am incapable of keeping my mouth shut.
9. I have the spirit of a child and I throw tantrums. I remain pissed for about 10 minutes.
10. I grew up on a farm, and I am proud of that upbringing. I am not kidding when I say, repeatedly, that I am a homegrown country girl.
11. I have an amazing child. He keeps me sane, most of the time, and is a daily reminder that hard work most certainly does pay off. Success is never free, but the payout is always worth the effort.
12. I want a busy lifestyle; I want to write and teach and pursue the creativity that I have been blessed with. I want to travel and experience every part of this world.
13. I also want to settle down and build a family.
14. I have never been prone to dating. I think it is exhausting and cumbersome and reaps little reward. If I don't like you, I don't call you back. I am turned off easily - I believe this is the reason I always seem to have epic relationships.
15. I am really into "epic" anything right now. I am sure I use the term too loosely and will soon become bored it.
16. I have been in love once in my life. Or I thought I was in love, I have since changed my mind.
17. Stress causes me to pull away. I push the people out and work alone to solve my issues. I hate asking for help.
18. I have dictionary.com text me the word of the day - this excites me. New vocabulary has become a highlight of my days. And this makes me sound very pathetic :/
19. I make a lot of faces. Unintentionally, I am sure it goes hand in hand with my habit of expression. I don't hide feeling well, if at all.
20. I talk a lot of shit. I am not good at pool, beer pong, or darts. But I am pretty damn good at convincing my competition otherwise.
21. I hate repeating myself.
22. I have a hard time dealing with the emotions of others (bizarre because I am so passionate).
23. I get mad when I feel I am not taken seriously.
24. I will give every person I meet a chance, sometimes two. Life is too short to be angry.
25. Though I am a little nutty, I feel that I am pretty diplomatic. I hate fighting. I hate arguing. I have a bad habit of letting my language take control of a situation, but I will almost always admit when I am wrong.
26. I have confidence in my nerdyness, weirdness, whatever you may call it. I know I am a little crazy, but that craziness makes me feel alive.
27. I lose interest in things sometimes too quickly. Good luck trying to change that.
28. I am a tough gal - I have overcome a lot of rubbish in my short 23 years. I embrace challenge and I thrive off of adrenaline. I feel that I am most productive in stressful situations.
29. I read more than any other person I know. I love literature for the language first, and then the story.
30. I am loyal. I am brutally honest. And I fight for what I believe in.
31. I get what I want because a.) I am stubborn and unrelenting and b.) I fight.
32. I love music, as most do. And I am open to almost every genre.
33. And I am totally the type to blast depressing, slit-your-wrists and cry your eyes out over a stupid boy tunes when I am blue.
34. I love to cook and I am pretty amazing at it.
35. Most days, outside of work, I can be found in cut offs and band t-shirt. I am a nerd.
36. I love hole in the wall bars.
37. I love to dance. I dance in the shower. I dance when I brush my teeth. I dance around the kitchen when I cook. I don't give a damn where I am, I dance. :]
38. I learned to ride a horse when I learned how to walk. I was raised in the rodeo arena and spent my toddler years romping through the dirt and bathing in buckets in the grand stands. I rode the hair off of any four legged beast I came in contact with (goats, sheep, horses, cows, dogs, etc.) - this is a lifestyle I lost after my parents divorced. Damn them.
39. I drop the "f" word a lot. Though far from classy, it remains one of my favorite words of the English language.
40. In all of the chaos, and drama that is inescapable in life I have learned this much: life is worth every drop of bullshit. It is worth the tears, the anger, and all of the negative things that change you. Cry and yell and cuss and throw tantrums, be stubborn and persistant and ambitious - don't skip a beat. I don't want to miss out on anything, I want to be apart of every new experience that presents itself IN my life.
I am sure this list is incomplete, and I will continue to add to it in the future.
Anywhere but here. So I do what I do best in these situations, I spill my jumbled nonsense into print. I have compiled a list of random things that make me happy (and some that really piss me off). I do this in an attempt assuage my apathy. If you are of the bored and unemployed - the people that really have nothing better to do than listen to the bullshit of an angry woman - please read on and find comfort in the realization that you're not the only disorganized individual residing in Phoenix Arizona - or wherever you live. Enjoy.
1. My father nicknamed my Ruby Begonia at the age of 3. I am sure he meant Scarlett Begonia, in which case makes me somewhat cool.
2. I ran into a wall at the age of 13 and broke my pinky toe. Even more hilarious, I had a cast up to my shin that I busted because I refused to stop dancing simply because some doctor ordered otherwise.
3. I am a dreamer; I have a lot of ambition and plan on slowly taking over the world. (Metaphorically speaking) I will have two Pulitzers at some point in this life and an outlandish collection of my bullshit in print - i.e ridiculous novels.
4. Writing is a huge part of my life. I have absolutely no organizational skills to apply to this talent, a defect that I am sure is holding me from my success. But I am stubborn and I continue to hack away at my dream.
5. I have problems with ignorance in people - I have been quoted saying that, "ignorance simply means that you're not smart enough to be stupid." I stand by that.
6. I fall in love with everything - everything is my favorite.
7. I come from a huge family but hardly stay in contact. This really depresses me.
8. I am ruled by my emotions; I am a very passionate person. I love and hate with everything that I have. I express my emotions openly, sometimes when unnecessary, but I am incapable of keeping my mouth shut.
9. I have the spirit of a child and I throw tantrums. I remain pissed for about 10 minutes.
10. I grew up on a farm, and I am proud of that upbringing. I am not kidding when I say, repeatedly, that I am a homegrown country girl.
11. I have an amazing child. He keeps me sane, most of the time, and is a daily reminder that hard work most certainly does pay off. Success is never free, but the payout is always worth the effort.
12. I want a busy lifestyle; I want to write and teach and pursue the creativity that I have been blessed with. I want to travel and experience every part of this world.
13. I also want to settle down and build a family.
14. I have never been prone to dating. I think it is exhausting and cumbersome and reaps little reward. If I don't like you, I don't call you back. I am turned off easily - I believe this is the reason I always seem to have epic relationships.
15. I am really into "epic" anything right now. I am sure I use the term too loosely and will soon become bored it.
16. I have been in love once in my life. Or I thought I was in love, I have since changed my mind.
17. Stress causes me to pull away. I push the people out and work alone to solve my issues. I hate asking for help.
18. I have dictionary.com text me the word of the day - this excites me. New vocabulary has become a highlight of my days. And this makes me sound very pathetic :/
19. I make a lot of faces. Unintentionally, I am sure it goes hand in hand with my habit of expression. I don't hide feeling well, if at all.
20. I talk a lot of shit. I am not good at pool, beer pong, or darts. But I am pretty damn good at convincing my competition otherwise.
21. I hate repeating myself.
22. I have a hard time dealing with the emotions of others (bizarre because I am so passionate).
23. I get mad when I feel I am not taken seriously.
24. I will give every person I meet a chance, sometimes two. Life is too short to be angry.
25. Though I am a little nutty, I feel that I am pretty diplomatic. I hate fighting. I hate arguing. I have a bad habit of letting my language take control of a situation, but I will almost always admit when I am wrong.
26. I have confidence in my nerdyness, weirdness, whatever you may call it. I know I am a little crazy, but that craziness makes me feel alive.
27. I lose interest in things sometimes too quickly. Good luck trying to change that.
28. I am a tough gal - I have overcome a lot of rubbish in my short 23 years. I embrace challenge and I thrive off of adrenaline. I feel that I am most productive in stressful situations.
29. I read more than any other person I know. I love literature for the language first, and then the story.
30. I am loyal. I am brutally honest. And I fight for what I believe in.
31. I get what I want because a.) I am stubborn and unrelenting and b.) I fight.
32. I love music, as most do. And I am open to almost every genre.
33. And I am totally the type to blast depressing, slit-your-wrists and cry your eyes out over a stupid boy tunes when I am blue.
34. I love to cook and I am pretty amazing at it.
35. Most days, outside of work, I can be found in cut offs and band t-shirt. I am a nerd.
36. I love hole in the wall bars.
37. I love to dance. I dance in the shower. I dance when I brush my teeth. I dance around the kitchen when I cook. I don't give a damn where I am, I dance. :]
38. I learned to ride a horse when I learned how to walk. I was raised in the rodeo arena and spent my toddler years romping through the dirt and bathing in buckets in the grand stands. I rode the hair off of any four legged beast I came in contact with (goats, sheep, horses, cows, dogs, etc.) - this is a lifestyle I lost after my parents divorced. Damn them.
39. I drop the "f" word a lot. Though far from classy, it remains one of my favorite words of the English language.
40. In all of the chaos, and drama that is inescapable in life I have learned this much: life is worth every drop of bullshit. It is worth the tears, the anger, and all of the negative things that change you. Cry and yell and cuss and throw tantrums, be stubborn and persistant and ambitious - don't skip a beat. I don't want to miss out on anything, I want to be apart of every new experience that presents itself IN my life.
I am sure this list is incomplete, and I will continue to add to it in the future.
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